Before I get into this time of my life, I think it is important that I put out a disclaimer that I was in the dark about his relationship status, which we will touch on later.
To this day, I still remember what it was like walking into my community college first period and sitting next to a classmate who I did not pay much attention to at first. He initially came off as a reserved young man who seemed to always be very focused on the classwork at hand. He was not your idea of the “typical cheater” that you saw in movies and films, looking for some trouble on a drunken night out. He was a private, mellow man looking to forward his education affordably. And me? I was a young, vibrant, and outgoing 19-year-old college student, trying hard to focus on my classes to eventually get into the school of my dreams. We were very opposites of each other, however, that didn’t stop us from developing a genuine connection over time.
Like any relationship, it started with basic interactions, such as asking each other school-related questions and helping each other during group work in the classroom. Yet, it didn’t take that long before we were exchanging numbers, meeting up to study on and off-campus, etc., which inevitably led to informal conversations regarding life, love, and relationships. As much as I cringe at the situation-ship now, I genuinely formed an organic, meaningful relationship with this guy with the idea in my head that he was a “really good man” to potentially start something more with. He followed the same religion as me, worked overtime to make a living for himself while still pursuing school, and believed in respecting everyone. There was nothing to not love about this guy.
However, as charismatic as he was, I did not really start to grow strong romantic feelings for him until the semester came to an end. December rolled around, and we took that last final and by the end of that same day, I got a call from my young and handsome classmate.
I remember picking up the phone, confused and taken back that he even bothered to call me after the class was officially over, considering most college students would all disperse or fade away into their personal lives, but it was different with him. He genuinely wanted to talk to me about several things with his “good friend” being me.
He initially asked me about the exam, but later moved on to my oh-so favorite conversations… relationships and love. And unfortunately, these talks between us eventually shifted into a tone of intimacy. Within a few days of communicating with him, that heavy, butterfly feeling in my chest and stomach started to grow. Needless to say, I ended up falling in love with this “perfect” man.
A week went by, and I eventually found out he was 31-years-old at the time and was blown away by this because he appeared much younger than he was. Even so, it didn’t discourage me from continuing a relationship of sorts with him, because I thought we had true love. I eventually confessed my feelings to him during this time, and even though it felt mutual with our genuine connection, long conversations, and intimate flirting, I could tell something was holding him back.
We continued to talk daily for many hours and weeks on end until it was that spring where he suddenly vanished out of nowhere for weeks. I remember thinking “either something happened to him or he is avoiding me”. I did all the things you aren’t supposed to do when someone leaves you abruptly. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I used substances to cope and ranted to my friends about what a loser he was for abandoning me when I was so ready to love him, which only made me feel worse. It felt like I lost the biggest piece of me, my best friend.
And just like a movie, the man who disappeared came back, except it wasn’t a happy ending. It was bombs of mass destruction being brought upon me unexpectedly. He called me while I was at a doctor’s office and I can recall how fast I ran out of the waiting room when I saw his name pop up onto my phone screen. And the conversation went a little something like this.
“Hello?” I said, shockingly.
“Hey, How are you?” he muttered timidly.
And of course, I responded with a very unkind choice of words insulting him and his morals. And to my surprise, he was extremely apologetic.
“I have something to tell you, okay? Just give me a few days,” he emphasized to me. I could feel my heart drop to my stomach when he said those words because I knew I still loved him and was worried he would vanish again, which I remember adamantly telling him this. But of course, he kept on telling me to just trust him and be patient, and so that is exactly what I did.
Fast forward two days, I get a call around 5 pm, and it was him. I frantically picked up the call and like usual, the “nothing is a big deal” greeting ensued. I immediately demand answers to what has been going on and he noticeably started tripping over his words. But eventually, his truth came to light.
That was when he confessed to me that he was married. And just like that, my world was upside down all over again. I held onto the phone a little tighter and slowly made my way to sitting on my bedroom floor, pushing my back into the bed so I had something to focus on other than the pain that was starting to hit me in the chest.
But there was more, of course. He eventually confessed to me that not only was he married to his wife that he has been with since his younger years, but they also had a one-year-old son together.
He unbelievably begged me to stay in his life and at least be friends with him because “being enemies made no sense” to him. But I never was keen on staying friends with exes unless children were involved, which, fortunately, wasn’t my case. He tried to justify his wrongdoings by saying we never became physically intimate, but we were on an emotional level. Like I mentioned earlier, there were a lot of intimate conversations, as well as flirting involved that would fall into the cheating category.
Through all his begging and explanations on why his wife just didn’t know how to please him, I almost forgave his faults. I genuinely could feel like he had some good in him. It is more than likely the reason it took me a few weeks after finding out before I finally decided to cut him off cold turkey. The last straw? He asked me for money to support his schooling as a “real friend should”. This on top of the fact that he was dishonoring his whole family and marital union just exhausted me. I could not listen to someone apologetic about his mistakes but also tried to downplay them at the same time. It was overwhelming.
The reason I feel compelled to tell this story is because it was one of the hardest heartbreaks for me to deal with because I had to unlearn everything I thought I knew about love, dating and maintaining relationships, but at the same time, taught me some really valuable things about the reality of it all.
One thing I took away was that all the effort you put into relationships can in a split second go to waste. Just knowing this led me to have a distaste for men and dating altogether for a whole year afterward. I had the mindset of being an independent woman who did not care for men at all to a point where some would consider being toxic. However, I encourage you to not do that, but instead, use this as motivation to invest in yourself more instead of someone else, so you can put your best foot forward no matter the outcome of your next or current relationship.
Another important lesson that I took from this experience was there is nothing in love that is guaranteed to last or workout, even if your person does seem to be the most hardworking, moral person in the world. Anyone is capable of anything, including having a secret life hidden away from you.
I definitely don’t mean for my takeaways to discourage any of you from dating more so than I want to remind you all to make sure that the effort and hard work that you put into a relationship is going to be either equivalent or less than what you put into yourself as an individual. Luckily for me, I was only in school part time when I found out everything and was always on top of my school responsibilities, so I had time to grieve and mope around about it. That being said, I still would not advise anyone to put themselves in the predicament of loving someone else as anxious as I did, because it can consume you for the absolute worse.
